I had been dating this guy for a few months, “Dave.” I knew his home life wasn’t ideal, but he was fun the once or twice a month I saw him. I knew he was married (I accept this as a poor decision on my part) but he told me he was separated for 10 years, and understood his wife had been living in Norway this time. His 25 year old son was living at home with him. Over the three months we dated, there was one stretch of time where I didn’t hear from him for 6 weeks. He told me had been sick, then his son had a horrible car accident and was in the hospital. His wife was flying in from Norway. A few days later, he informed me he and his wife had been fighting, and asked if he could spend a few days at my place until things settled down. I allowed him to do so. As a caring person and a hypnotherapist, I stayed up hours talking with him about his home life and things he could do to immediately to make his life a bit happier.
My plans that week included attending a party for some friends, so I brought him as my date. From what I knew, he worked a lot and didn’t have much of a social life so I thought this might be fun for us to go to.
When I got to the party, I discovered he had attended a party thrown by other members of this group the previous weekend and he went with another girl. No big deal, we weren’t exclusive and I’m not the jealous type anyway. But then…he started “confessing.” It turns out, he had an unpleasant encounter with one of the members of this group at the party the previous weekend, which made him uncomfortable. He explained the drama and told me he left the party around 10:30pm. He kept telling me the girl he went to the party with, “Laurie,” was “just a friend” and “she and him didn’t have what he and I had.” I was already counting the red flags, but this one was bigger than the others. She and him didn’t have what he and I had? WTF was that…we’d only had 5 dates in 3 months. And then I remembered we had a date last Sunday, but he canceled me because his son was in the hospital. But he went to a party the previous Saturday night with “Laurie?” Hmmm. Another huge red flag. He left the next morning, and I went on with my life.
Two nights later, I went to one of my favorite clubs. One of my friends said, “Hey, my friend “Laurie” wants to meet you.” What luck! “Laurie” was the girl “Dave” went to the party with. I liked her immediately. She’s fiery and fun. But when we started talking about “Dave,” things got weird. It turns out, “Laurie” and “Dave” were pretty serious play partners, playing sometimes 3x a week, since last October. They had gone on vacations together. She told me his wife was not in Norway, she was here the whole time. His son was in a car accident…back in 2013, not the previous week like he told me. We both figured out he only called me when she wasn’t available. This wasn’t a big surprise since she lived 10 minutes from him and I lived an hour away. She kept asking him if he was seeing anyone, and he told her no. When I magically appeared in her life (mutual friends told her “Dave” had gone with me to the party), “Dave” told her I was just a good friend and his “psychic advisor.” Because heavy duty computer IT guys believe psychics.
30 minutes later…most of the lies were all out in the open. He lied to me, he lied to her, and goodness only knows what he told his wife.
“Laurie” and I took our picture together and sent it to him. I have to admit, I reveled in seeing him e-panic. I got a text from “Dave” that “Laurie” was a VERY good friend of his. Uh huh. He then started blowing up her phone. Damage control! When she went to take his call, I took the opportunity to block him from the site I met him on as well as both of my phone numbers. Fuck that shit.
The next morning, she texted me she had spoken to “Dave” and wanted all of us to be friends. She apologized for him lying to me, and she told him he needed to apologize to me. ???? I sense MAN-IP-PEW-LATION! I told her no fucking way would I ever accept his apology. I didn’t deserve to be lied to, I did not deserve to be used and I did not deserve to have my kindness taken advantage of. More importantly…she shouldn’t have to apologize for his actions, because HE FUCKED UP.
I found out the next day he had gone to the club the later that night to talk to her, and he started back pedaling and dropping the “L” word on her, which he hadn’t used with her before. Uh huh. Manipulation…CONFIRMED. Even though she told me he was nothing but a play partner to her, you can’t have sex with someone 3x a week and not develop feelings for them.
I feel for her loss. He was fun. Thankfully – I was a distant 2nd place so cutting his lying ass out of my life was pretty easy. However, I’m having to revisit my own moral code and make some changes. I’ve dated married men on/off over the years. As a swinger/ethical non-monogamist, it’s often perfectly acceptable in that world. For a single girl afraid of commitment, married men are “safe.” You get the best part of a marriage without having to clean up after their shit. However – not everyone in the swinger world (which is where I met “Dave”) is actually a swinger. Lesson learned.